Don’t let the gram fool you

Prior to attending Rutgers University, I added a few people as Instagram friends that already attended the school. I remember thinking that one of the girls in particular that I followed was so perfect. She seemed to have an amazing life and all I wanted was for mine to be like hers.

She had a beautiful face, her makeup was always on point, she had a nice body, gorgeous hair, constantly went on adventures, maintained straight A’s, had the perfect friends, and a handsome boyfriend of several years. And I mean, this relationship was what most people would call goals,” based off of her Instagram. It seemed as though everything I was striving to personally attain, she already had… with ease, might I add.

I didn’t begin to realize that not everything is what it seems to be on Instagram until I actually got to Rutgers and met the same people in her posts.

This gorgeous girl in the pictures was still gorgeous, of course, but she wasn’t always glammed up like in her photos. In fact, the majority of when I saw her, she was in sweats while wearing no makeup. Her amazing boyfriend turned out to actually be a chronic cheater, who tried getting with a couple of my own friends. And unfortunately her perfect friends weren’t so perfect after all.

This perfect image of the girl that I had from Instagram was now shattered.

But we all do this. We all display the best qualities and aspects of our lives on social media. I mean, you’re most likely not going to post the picture of you with a double chin from when you accidentally opened up your front camera. You’re probably going to post pictures of yourself posing from your best angles, wearing your best outfits. Or you’d make sure to post a picture on a day your eyes are wide awake as opposed to tired and puffy from not getting enough sleep.

You’re probably going to post your extravagant vacations, but not the job you hate going to that allowed you to afford them. You’re going to share your accomplishments, like your good grades and the new car you just bought. But you’ll most likely leave out the struggle that it took to get there. The blood, sweat, tears and sacrifices you had to make probably won’t be showcased on the Gram. You’re going to leave out the mistakes you’ve made along the road and your regrets in life.

Why? Because Instagram was created to show the best parts of our lives. We usually leave out the bad. But that doesn’t mean that the bad doesn’t exist.

So the next time you stumble across someone’s “perfect” Instagram page, think about how human they actually are. And that no one on this earth is as perfect as they seem to be on social media.

I can assure you; we are all struggling somehow, someway. Don’t let anyone fool you.

Perfection only exists on the Gram.

xo, Brittany Kayla

You Deserve More.

You’re dating different people, yet receiving the same results. Heartbreak. You can’t figure out why. You’ve been faithful, caring, loving, you have a good head on your shoulders, and you’re attractive. So you wonder… “Why on earth do I keep getting played?”

It’s time for a bit of self-reflection.

Although you can’t help what your partner or potential boo does, if you’re chronically getting played by different individuals, it is partly your fault. It’s your fault because you are allowing people that don’t deserve to be so close to you to hurt you in the first place. It is no one’s responsibility to protect your heart but your own. Stop ignoring the red flags. Stop falling for their “potential.” Stop taking the next person in line just because they’re the only ones interested in the moment. It’s okay to be alone until the right one comes along.

If you keep going through the same cycle with different people, you are probably dating the same person in different bodies.

Sure, they might have a few differences. Different skin tone, different hair, a different voice… but I guarantee, you could find at least one key similarity between the people you are dating.

A friend of mine was explaining to me the type of men she usually settles for. They are the same type. They come from the same background. They treat her exactly the same. She said, “Brittany, I know I could do better but there’s just something about these guys. They make me feel worthy. Like they know they can’t do better than me, so I always feel like a prize in their eyes.”

And yet they still manage to hurt her.

The similarity in the type of men she dates is the way they make her feel. Deep down, she knows she could do better, but these are the guys that make her feel loved when she doesn’t feel love within herself.

Your similarity within the people you date might have nothing to do with feelings. Perhaps it’s about the way they look. Maybe it’s their accomplishments. Their status. Their swag. Their ability to smooth talk their way out of anything. But I’m willing to bet, if you put all of the people that broke your heart in one room, you could find a similarity or two.

It’s okay to have a type. But if this type is constantly breaking you down then it’s time to be more selective.

So many people shouldn’t have the opportunity to break your heart. My pastor says, it’s easier to protect your heart than to repair it when it’s broken.

So stop rushing the process and love yourself first. Once you do, you won’t want to settle for mediocre anymore. When you have love for yourself you’ll be more careful about who you let in because you don’t need just anybody coming into your life ruining your good vibes and positivity! You’ll date the person that sees the worth you see within yourself.

With love,

Brittany Kayla

JUST FREAKING DO IT

“You are young,” he said, “go out and explore the world!”

I met him at a sushi lounge during a night out with the girls. He forever changed my perspective on life. I naturally worry about everything. And if you’re anything like me, you have a lot of great ideas but you’re not sure if you should follow suit because of the risks it could take or your level of comfort. But this night, I changed the way I would approach every new idea that comes to my head.

His name was Kerny and he taught me the importance of taking risks in life.

He told me that he landed a job at a prestigious university making over 100k a year, but he wasn’t happy. He wasn’t satisfied. He would rather live the life he wanted. One day he decided to quit his 9-5 and has been supporting himself as an artist ever since. (He’s amazing by the way). Now, he makes money doing what brings him joy and he gets to travel where he wants, when he wants.

“If I want to go to Dubai, hell, I’ll book my flight and I’m there the next month!” he exclaimed listing the countless countries he’s visited since beginning his journey.

It inspired me! Kerny quitting his high paying job to being an artist, something he actually loved, is one of the riskiest stories I’ve ever heard. And I’m sure he struggled in the beginning for quite some time but now he is genuinely happy and I could see it in his eyes. His risk led to greater opportunity. It led to seeing the world. It led to becoming the most radiant being in a dimly lit sushi lounge.

Life is about the risks we are willing to take. If we don’t take them, we will be complacent in life. We will be stuck in the same predictable cycle. We will always wonder “what if?” And that leads to misery.

So I encourage you to take the risk that’s been tugging at your heart. Of course, make sure it’s doable and not life threatening. But if what’s holding you back is fear of failure then, it’s worth the shot. I recently saw a quote that read, “Apply for that job. Date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city. Do the things that scare you because they’re worth it,” and I completely agree.

If there’s something you feel on the inside you should be doing but you are nervous, I say, just do it. It might be a scary thing to jump into, but that anxiety will be replaced with satisfaction. Either you will realize it wasn’t for you and now you know, or it was everything you’ve ever dreamed of. There’s only one way to find out.

Just freaking do it.

xo, Brittany Kayla

Could it be… that I am the hater??

Haters hate because they are not willing to put in the sacrifice that someone else has made to get where they are today. Half of the time, we don’t even realize why we hate on some people. But when I think about if I had ever hated on someone in the past, it was because they had something that I subconsciously wanted. I was not willing to put in the work to get it myself. If I tried, I most likely lacked the consistency to continue.

Let’s be honest… if we want something bad but can’t seem to attain it, the ultimate reason is that it’s a hard task to accomplish! Change does not happen overnight! Your goal might be a job title, a car, a happy relationship, a fit body, or even confidence. All of those things require consistency, hard work, and SACRIFICE.

Often times we hate “for no reason” because it seems as though other people are getting the things we want easily. However, 9 times out of 10, they worked their butts off to get to where they are today.

Some people were lucky enough to get your desires handed to them. You have to realize that the blessings they receive are going to be different from yours. And they too have hard goals that seem impossible to accomplish. Your time will come. However, you have to put in the WORK. Because it won’t come easily for everyone.

Instead of choosing to hate on this person, I encourage you to be their friend. When you support others, you open the door for networking. Think about it! You could probably learn a lot. Instead of talking about them behind closed doors and trying to highlight everything wrong, find the root of your issue. Figure out where that hate and envy is coming from. They probably have something you subconsciously want, and they will most likely be willing to help you get it if you are nice enough!

Networking and making these kinds of friends will ultimately lead to positive change within yourself and your life. When you support other people, they will support you back. For your career especially, building connections is crucial!

So the next time you see someone with something you want, compliment them! Tell them that you admire their hustle and dedication. Ask them questions! It’s okay to ask for help! Sometimes all we need is a bit of humble pie. Lastly, you are going to have to make some sacrifices, because I am sure they did too.

With love,

Brittany Kayla

Reevaluating Your Inner Circle

 In an attempt to learn Spanish, I began watching a Spanish soap opera, Lady La Vendedora de Rosas, based on a true story. In the show, the main character, Lady, and her family grew up in the slums of Columbia. Her single mother had a drinking problem and needed Lady, only a little girl at the time, to help the family out financially by selling roses on the dangerous street. Child services ended up taking Lady from her home and put her in an orphanage with nuns. There, she was raised and didn’t go back home until she was a teenager. When she came back, she kept the same values she learned from the nuns in her heart and was able to take better care of her family then her mother ever could.

Meanwhile, her two childhood best friends, Alex and Yurani stayed home and connected with a bad influence. Alex ended up becoming a gangster and Yurani became a drug addict. I mentioned to my sister that it was funny how Lady ended up becoming so responsible and successful while everyone else in the story was doing terrible. She reminded me that Lady was raised around the nuns and like-minded girls, in a safe environment. Alex and Yurani were surrounded by people that didn’t care enough to have their best interest at heart.

We are still in the beginning of the New Year and I know that everyone has their heart set on changing for the better. But you will only be as good as the company you keep. I’ve fooled myself many times in the past by saying, “we are friends but we are nothing alike and she can’t influence me because I am my own person.” That is a lie. That is not possible. If you are consistently hanging out with someone, their values and their mindset will eventually start to rub off on your own, without you even realizing it.

I’m not saying to abandon your “day ones,” but if your friends are lazy, unmotivated, or are doing things that compromise your values, then it’s your responsibility to distance yourself. Your company is a reflection of you. And believe me when I say that you are a product of who you surround yourself with.

Make sure though, that the friends you choose are actually friends. The best way to tell is by analyzing how they support your good decisions, and seeing if they love you enough to correct your bad ones, in ways that align with your core values.

The right friends to keep close in the New Year are going to be the ones that are positive and motivated to becoming the best version of themselves possible, while also encouraging your growth. The right friends will clap loudly when you win. They should be your biggest fans. They will always be there when you need them the most. And they will give you the advice you need to hear rather than what you want to hear.

Who you surround yourself with is a main factor that will ultimately contribute to your personal growth. So choose your friends wisely.

xo, Brittany Kayla

ASK BRITTANY: After checking his phone, I don’t know if I could trust him

Dear Brittany: I need advice desperately! I am a single mom and I started talking to this guy in November. He is sweet, fun to be around, always makes me happy, and accepts my child (which most guys wouldn’t). When we first started talking I had told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious as I had just gotten out of something serious and was hurt. He agreed. I messed up and saw him enter his phone password. (I know I know, I messed up there). So one night I looked through his phone and he was talking to 2 girls. He never hung out with them, just harmless flirting. We spoke about it and he said he was testing the waters because he didn’t think I wanted a relationship. I figured since we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week, we were getting more serious. I told him that I do want a relationship. He agreed to immediately stop talking to the girls but a week later I check his phone again and there’s another girl. He said she was a girl he always liked but never gave him the time of day and he wants to be with me but he feels like he is only used for pleasure. We went back and forth for over 24 hours and at first, I was done but something told me to give him another chance. He suggested he’d change his number and since then (2 weeks) things have been great. I still have my guard up and I’m scared to get hurt again. What should I do?

Okay, so let’s dissect everything you’ve said.

“He accepts my child which most guys wouldn’t.”

Don’t settle! I know that finding a man that accepts your children is difficult, especially if they don’t have any of their own. But the right man for you and your child is going to be the one that you can trust unconditionally. If a man can’t respect you, then he definitely won’t respect your child.

“I had told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious.”

Okay so to make things fair, you did tell him you weren’t looking for a relationship. You can’t really get mad if he flirts with a couple of other girls here and there at this point. Don’t allow your past relationships to dictate how you will treat and trust the next man.

“I looked through his phone.”

Unfortunately most men need you to spell it out for them. Although you assumed that your “situationship” was starting to get serious, you did originally tell him that you weren’t looking for a relationship. That being said, you shouldn’t have felt comfortable enough to look through his phone until you’ve had the “what are we?” conversation for the second time.

“I told him I do want a relationship.”

Boom, here you made the right step. Communication is one key to a successful relationship. You’ve voiced that you do want a relationship and he agreed. You voiced that him texting other girls was a problem and he understood. There should be no more issues regarding that matter from this point on.

“A week later there’s another girl.”

Annnnnd here’s an issue. There is no reason for him to be texting a girl that he wanted (or wants because otherwise why would he still be texting her)? His excuse that you are using him for pleasure is LAME. He should come up with a new one! He is still keeping his options open because he is not ready to commit.

You clearly don’t trust him and I don’t think a person should have to change their number in order for that to happen. If he doesn’t have enough self-control to not entertain other women, then he is not worth your time. Also, it might seem like he has changed, but he might have just gotten good at hiding.

Notice how you’ve been faithfully asserting all of your attention onto him, without him having to remind you not to entertain other men. Why? Because you like him! When you really like or love someone, you no longer feel the need to get attention from other people. The person you are dating becomes enough for you. And guess what? You are enough for someone too. Don’t allow social media to distort your mind into thinking that you have to settle for a man that “harmlessly flirts” with other girls because it’s the “guy thing” to do.

If you decide to stay, I would still absolutely keep my guard up. Especially when you have a child to think about. Checking his phone all the time is definitely a sign of mistrust. And a healthy relationship requires trust. I know personally this could be hard but try not looking through it unless he’s giving you a reason to believe he is hiding something. In other words, if he’s acting different, distant, or secretive. Don’t entirely let him back in until he’s proven himself worthy. But monitoring his every move is not the answer.

Stay alert and don’t ignore the red flags. You’ve already received red flag number 1.

Sincerely,

Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

8 tips to accomplish that goal you’ve been struggling with

We’ve all said it. “This is my year! I will finally accomplish the goal I’ve procrastinated on my entire life!” And by the end of the year, we still haven’t done it. I’ve personally set aside a few goals for myself this year and I wrote down the steps that are going to help me accomplish them, as they have helped me in the past.

 1. ATTAINABLE GOALS 

A lot of people strive for things they will never be able to have. You can’t say, “I want my body to look like hers after the New Year,” because someone else’s body has a different anatomy and build then yours. A lot of us need to revise our goals to things that we can actually accomplish. Otherwise, you will be running forever with no finish line.

 2. BREAK IT DOWN 

Break your goals down into easy steps.  The reason why a lot of us haven’t accomplished our goals yet is not because our dreams are too big, but because they are too big to accomplish right now. You don’t say, “I’m hungry, I want a sandwich” and the sandwich just appears in front of your face. You need to make it, step by step and ingredient by ingredient. Be sure to come up with a plan that has clear instructions on how you are going to accomplish your goal. My blog posts are only step one of my personal dreams! What are your steps?

 3. WRITE IT DOWN 

After you’ve broken down your attainable steps, be sure to write them down on paper. This will assist in making your dreams a reality. It’s also a good idea to put your dreams down on a vision board. Fill it up with your goals, steps, and photos to keep you encouraged! I recommend using magazine clippings for the pictures.

 4. KEEP YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE 

The way I keep myself accountable is by journaling. I write down my feelings, my struggles, and my accomplishments. Let’s say my goal is to eat healthy. I’m going to feel real bad writing down the fact that I pigged out after lunch today! Although journaling is personal and no one is going to read it, trust me when I say, you will feel a lot better about yourself when you’re writing about how you accomplished today’s goal rather than messing up.

 5. ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER 

Find someone who is seasoned in the goal you are trying to accomplish. If your goal is to become closer to God and you struggle with remaining consistent in praying and reading the Bible, ask one of your trusted church leaders to text you from time to time to keep you accountable! It’s also good because your accountability partner can participate with you. They can study the Bible with you, they can work out with you, etc.

 6. MOTIVATIONAL VIDEOS

I watch motivational videos, TED talks, and preachings several times a week! They keep me inspired throughout my journey to keep on pushing. I also follow Instagram pages of other inspirational people who have already accomplished my goals.

 7. PRAYER

Prayer is so important throughout your entire journey. Pray for guidance, pray for strength, self-control, and discernment. Pray, pray, pray! When you keep God first in life He will always help you out.

 8. GET BACK UP!

If you fail today, try again. If you fail tomorrow, keep going. If you ate badly at lunch, don’t use that as an excuse to eat badly at dinner. Don’t stop! Consistency will get you where you want to be.

ASK BRITTANY: I’m engaged but I still think about my ex…

Dear Brittany: I’m engaged to an amazing man that I love so much but I still think of my ex here and there and I just don’t know what to do… My fiancé is amazing to me but I feel like he doesn’t deserve the fact that I’m thinking of someone else when we aren’t talking.

This is a tricky situation! It’s going to take a lot of self-reflection on your part to figure out what to do and why you feel this way. But I personally don’t think I would go through with the marriage until I’ve figured everything out first.

If you are still thinking about your ex, this leads me to believe that you were never really over him in the first place; even before you got engaged. Maybe you agreed to the engagement because you felt pressured to say yes because your man is such a good guy??

You need to remember that being a good faithful man does not mean he is the one for you. I know that a good man is hard to find in a day and age like ours; but I’ve realized that we easily settle for people that we don’t really want just because they are giving us the love we’ve always craved.

Is there something about him that is not satisfying your needs? What are the things that your ex did for you that your fiancé can’t? Communicate this with him if so. Remember, communication is key to a successful relationship.

Why did you and your ex break up in the first place? If he wanted to get back together and you weren’t engaged, would you take the offer? If so, then your fiancé is probably not fulfilling enough for you and I would let him know.

These are all questions you need to ask yourself. But I know that I know that I know, you should not be thinking of your ex when you are about to commit yourself to someone else for the rest of your life.

Now let’s say you want to be with your fiancé for the rest of your life, without a doubt, but you still think about your ex because you never got closure. Then I would say to shoot your ex a text and receive the closure that you need.

You might also just have cold feet. It’s scary thinking about committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life! Perhaps your hesitation stems from fear of the unknown. Talk to other married women to see if they had cold feet before their wedding!

If I were personally in this situation, I would pray and ask God for guidance. Ask God if it is His will for you and your fiancé to be together. The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” So when you are seeking God with all of your heart and you are praying to Him, you will get the answers you are searching for.

The last thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage that is not for you. What’s most important in this situation is that you are following your intuition and your heart.

You know what you want out of life so live it the way you want. Don’t live the life others are expecting you to live. Don’t stay in a relationship you are not completely happy in. You are in control of your life and your happiness.  So take complete control.

xo, Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

Your boo is cool and all… but do they VALUE you?

When someone values you, they WILL act right! And you won’t have to beg, plead or bother. Because no one wants to lose a thing that they truly value.

I can’t imagine life without my family. I talk to them every day, I see them every day, I’ve known them all my life, and they’ve contributed to molding me into the person I am today. I value them. And because I value them, I wouldn’t intentionally hurt them and I think twice about making decisions that would affect them. However, some of our family members haven’t been in our lives forever. Perhaps your mother raised you and you don’t speak to your father. Your dad would probably be of lesser value to you than the rest of your family members. Just because someone has a title that should be valued, doesn’t necessarily mean they are.

The leading factor to valuing someone is time. Someone you met two weeks ago might tell you, “I know we just met a short while ago but I value you SO much and I can’t imagine my life without you.” But don’t believe everything you hear. They were living without you a couple weeks ago and they were breathing just fine! Don’t be shocked when your boyfriend of three weeks, who you already did everything for because he said he loved you, ends up hurting you. It really does take time to truly value someone.

Now be mindful of what they value you for. Do they value you for you, or for what you could do for them? What are you giving them? Because you might have mistaken being used for being valued. Your new boo might treat you amazingly if you’re giving them everything they want or need at the moment. Gifts, money, sex, and even an “image” might keep someone around for the time being, but trust me, that won’t last forever! Make sure that whoever you are dating values you for who you are.

Time will tell everything. Give it time before committing to someone new. Give it time before showering them with gifts and giving them the world. Give it time before believing every word they say. Patience is a virtue. So why rush something that is meant to last forever?

With love,

Brittany Kayla

PART 2: what to do when you realize, you’re probably living for society

In my last post, Let’s be Honest, You’re Probably Living for Society, I asked what happens when you start living for your own happiness and not the happiness that stems from pleasing others? I mean, it’s true isn’t it? You probably wouldn’t spend so much time in the mornings picking out your outfit if no one was around to see it. You probably wouldn’t spend all your savings on a foreign car if you had no one around to impress. You probably wouldn’t spend so much time picking out the perfect Instagram photo showcasing flawless poses and angles if you had no followers to view them. Most of us are living for society’s approval! The compliments we get from such superficial things have the power to brighten the worst of our days. Even I am guilty of this. And because I am, I really wanted to think of a way that I could shift my “happiness that stems from approval” to happiness that stems from myself.

First, I decided to eliminate society. If the world were completely empty, then there would be no society. If you were alone in the world, there would be no one around telling you what you should look like or what your car should look like or your home or your life. You will be forced to find happiness within yourself.

Now imagine you get to choose who and what you want in this world based on what brings you genuine happiness.

So ask yourself, “What are some things that make me genuinely happy?” And no, not the new Kylie Jenner makeup palette. I am talking about the things that fill you with joy when you are all alone. Remember, you are the last person on earth so no one will be around to see your makeup or your shoe collection anyway.

My personal answer to this question would have to be music, art, FOOD, helping others, and Netflix!

Now think about who brings you genuine happiness? And no, not the followers on Instagram you try to impress or the people you call friends that wouldn’t pick up the phone when you need them the most. I am asking who genuinely brings you joy just by seeing their face or hearing their voice? The people that love you for who you are, no matter what you look like or what your personality is. The people that support your vision and goals. The people you could be 100% yourself around.

My answer would have to be God, my family, my closest friends, and/or my significant other. They all bring me so much joy and they accept me for me, no matter what shoes are on my feet.

Think about your answers, write them down or make a mental note. Imagine if these things and those people that you value were the only things on earth. Wouldn’t life be so great?

I know this is physically impossible to do. But if you decide to made these things and these people a priority in your life and forgot about pleasing everyone else, I believe you and even I would truly be happy & content in life.

Forget about the outside voices. Block out what doesn’t matter in your life. If we are putting the things that make us genuinely happy first in life, then we are ultimately living for ourselves.

Create your own little world. Invest in yourself. Invest in your dreams. Keep your supporters close and support them back. Do more things that make you happy. And forget about the opinions of those that add nothing beneficial to your well-being.

Love ya’ll!

Brittany Kayla

PART 1: let’s be honest, you’re probably living for society

You claim that you carefully chose an outfit, took time on your hair, wore your best shoes, and did your makeup this morning because it “makes you feel good to look good.” You claim that you do it for yourself because it makes you happy. But is that true?

If you were the last person on earth, with nobody around to impress, would wearing makeup make a difference? Would wearing nice clothes even matter? Would your expensive shoes be worth it?

A lot of us don’t realize that we aren’t really living for ourselves and for our happiness. We are living to please others; for their approval, their compliments, and their attention. That approval makes us feel so good, that it becomes our own happiness.

The other day I was looking at a boy in class who many would probably describe as the “nerdy” type. I thought to myself, the popular girl wouldn’t even look twice at him. But why? Is she better than him because they fall in a different rank on the social popularity system? Is he not impressive enough for her to look his way? Does he not please the eyes of society? If he had a lot of money, would she give him a chance?

These are some of the thoughts I pondered on these past few weeks. What really makes us happy? Why do we spend so much time worrying about our appearance? Why do we spend so much time picking out the right photo to post on Instagram? Why do we spend hundreds of dollars on one pair of sneakers? Why do we give all of our money to name brands? Why do we overlook the people that would love us the most because they don’t fit in with society’s ideal standards? Why does it matter?

My next question is, are you happy when you get it? When you get the pretty girl with the nice body or the man with all the money, are you really happy? When you get that car that was too expensive and the big house you really couldn’t afford, are you happy? Or does it just feel good to know that you fit in? To know that you look cool to your peers.

Now what happens when you start living for your own happiness? What happens when you don’t land that big job with the big name, but instead go after your passion? What happens when you spend your money on something other than the latest makeup palette or designer shoes? What happens when the goal is not to be famous, but to share your talents with the world simply because you love the feeling of making people FEEL through your work? What happens when you date the person that doesn’t fit in with society’s expectations? What happens when you stop overlooking the people that didn’t look the part to be in your friends group but genuinely have good hearts?

Would you be happy? Would you find true friends? Would you find your soulmate?

What happens when you start living for YOUR happiness and not the happiness that stems from pleasing others? What happens when you give all that stuff up and you don’t get the compliments or the attention you usually get? (From people that most likely didn’t care about you or your wellbeing anyway).

Would you be fulfilled? Or will not being like society rip away your self-esteem and happiness?

xo, Brittany Kayla

ASK BRITTANY: why is it so hard to take God serious?

Dear Brittany:  Why is it so hard to take God serious? I feel like if I put two feet in and fail or fall to sin, I am a hypocrite.

I can definitely sympathize with whoever wrote this question. Growing up as a “church kid,” I’ve always been mindful of the activities I participated in. But I also grew up in a public school system with non-Christian friends and temptation, so I’d often fall short. I still do. It’s completely normal.

Don’t let one mistake, or your hundredth mistake discourage you from seeking God and striving to be the best Christian you know how to be.

I know that a lot of teens and young adults say, “Once I get older, settle down, and have kids… then I’ll be a committed Christian.” But tomorrow is not promised.

The problem here is that too many people believe that in order to be a Christian, you must be perfect. We see these church members every Sunday and we look up to them because they are so godly and seem so perfect. We often get intimidated and assume that we’d never be able to fit in because of the sins that we commit. But you would be surprised about what goes on in your own church leader’s homes behind closed doors. I am not calling them hypocrites. I am calling them human! Humans with flaws. We ALL make mistakes, whether you sit in the front or the back row of church.

So put both feet in! Strive to be the best Christian you can possibly be. The Bible says you should not be lukewarm, or in other words put one foot in and one foot out. If you fall short, just ask for forgiveness! The most beautiful thing about our God is that He will forgive you for something you believe is unforgiveable. Not saying you should intentionally sin, ask for forgiveness, and then repeat the cycle because that’s not how it works. But God knows your heart and He knows when you are genuine.

If you are struggling in a certain area or you just can’t seem to give something up, ask God for the strength and willpower to take those desires out of your heart. Don’t give up. It’s okay to make mistakes. You are not perfect, I am not perfect, your pastors not perfect, and neither are the rest of the Christians on this earth. Don’t be afraid to fail, because we ALL do. God knows your heart so keep going!

Love,

Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

 

ASK BRITTANY: he said he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but I’m his girl?

Dear Brittany: I’ve been talking to this guy for a little while who I’ve known for years. This week he just told me that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but that I’m his girl? Whatever that means. I just can’t seem to shake him. I can tell myself I don’t need him but then I find myself calling him and texting him and feeling stupid. I’m really not sure what to do about him.

It sounds to me like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Ask yourself this question… What exactly qualifies you to be “his girl?” Are you seeing him on demand, feeding him, having sex with him, or doing relationship activities with him? What are you doing that gives him the right to declare “you are my girl?” Whatever it is you are doing, it’s making him feel entitled to believe that you belong to him.

Now my next question is, why are you doing these things when you are not his girlfriend? He probably figures, well what’s the point of making you my girlfriend when we’re already doing relationship things outside of a relationship? He gets ALL the benefits of having you, but doesn’t have to remain faithful to you, doesn’t have to respect your wishes, and doesn’t have to claim you to the world. Sounds like a win, win on his end! He is SINGLE to the world, but gets to have you behind closed doors. Don’t be that girl!

Now if this guy is someone you really really like, then my advice would be to tell him straight up, “if you are single, then so am I.” Don’t wait around for someone to see your worth. You guys can hang out every so often, but as friends. Don’t be so easily accessible to him. Right now he thinks he has you on LOCK so prove him wrong. Trust me, once he sees that you’re not picking up his every phone call and that he no longer gets the relationship benefits that he was receiving before, he’ll start getting nervous that he’s lost “his girl.”

I think you should always let the man pursue the relationship. Let him chase you. And again, if he can’t see that you are worth a relationship, then drop him! There is no point in wasting your precious time.  What if you’re ignoring, or preventing yourself from meeting your soulmate because you’re too busy trying to catch this man’s attention?

I believe that God made someone specifically for each and every one of us. So if this guy isn’t the one, then there is someone else on this earth that is. Until you find your soulmate, work on yourself. Take care of your mind, body, and tackle your goals. I promise, you won’t die as a single old lady with 30 cats. Date the man who sees your worth without you having to remind him.

Sincerely,

Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

The dream GOD gave me that put my frustration to rest!

A few nights ago, I cried myself to sleep. I began to feel like my life was remaining stagnant. I have such big plans for my future that when things slow down I get nervous. And when I don’t see God doing the things I want Him to do in my life, I get frustrated. I started reading horoscopes more than I read the Bible because I began to lose hope.

But when I fell asleep, I had an odd dream. In the dream, I was at the mall with a cousin. Suddenly an alarm went off for a big storm coming through the area. People began running frantically for safety. I remember seeing the walls of the mall crumbling down as waves of water from the storm came colliding. My cousin and I were desperate to get home to our families so we caught a ride from a little boy. After driving through the storm, the little boy dropped us off to my cousin’s house. However, I wanted him to take me to my house so I could be with my family. I begged and pleaded him to take me home. “Please, please take me home so I could be with my family!” But after several attempts, his final answer was no. The boy wanted to go home before the storm got too bad. Defeated, I walked with my cousin to her house, but to my surprise, my family was there.

When I woke up, I thought to myself, “Wow, they ended up being there all along.” If I had actually gotten my way and he took me to my house, I would have been disappointed and alone.

God wants me to tell you that sometimes, when we are going through a storm, we have our own ideas of where we should be, and get frustrated when we don’t reach that destination. You might never reach that destination. But the place God has in mind for you will be so much more rewarding and beneficial.

I then started to think about the little boy who gave us the ride. I actually recognized him from real life. I work for a children’s program and the boy, named Micah, is actually the tiniest child in the program. Although, he is too small to be driving a car, I relied on him in the dream to take me to where I wanted to be.

Sometimes when our faith in God decreases, we start relying on people or things that are UNQUALIFIED to take us to our desired destination.  God then told me to look up the meaning of the name Micah, and I found out that it means “Who is like God?” And of course the answer to this question is no one!

I needed that reality check. I needed to be reminded that horoscopes are not God. People are not God. I am not God. So what I have planned for my life just might not be what He does. And that is okay, because what He has in store for you and me is so much greater than we could ever imagine ourselves. Don’t be discouraged. God has a plan.

xo, Brittany Kayla

How To: Love Yourself Before Loving Someone Else

They say you must first love yourself before you can love someone else. And when you do, you’ll find someone that loves you just as much. Well, what does that even mean? Does that mean looking in the mirror and being happy or content with what you see?

One who is insecure knows that loving yourself is a lot easier said than done. Often times, the more insecure a person is, the easier it is to latch onto others for happiness and validation. It’s also common to stay with that person no matter what physical harm or emotional damage they may cause. Because without someone there to feed their personal validation, they would feel lost. This is the result of loving your significant other more than you love yourself.

But how do you love yourself?

I came across a tweet the other day that stated, “Ya’ll love girls who don’t oil their scalp. How they gone love you if they don’t love themselves?” I pondered on this concept and thought about how silly it was to equate oiling your scalp to loving yourself. However, the more I thought about it, I realized that the girl was right. When you really love something, you take care of it. So when you  love yourself, you will invest in yourself. Singles… pay attention.

Take care of yourself physically. Workout and eat the right foods, drink more water, wash your face with your favorite mask, and do treatments to your hair. If you are investing into your health, you’ll feel refreshed, you’ll naturally glow, and you’ll feel energized.

It is also important to invest in your future. If you’re working, keep grinding and save up for your goals. If you’re in school, keep studying until you achieve that degree! Invest into your future and invest into your goals.

Do what makes you happy. I love writing and painting. I also love being alone and watching Netflix! My alone time keeps me sane, so sometimes I’ll take a raincheck on plans with friends so I can feel balanced and stress free. Take a break from life and find a hobby that you personally enjoy.

Learn to put yourself first and you will begin to truly love yourself. It’s not easy, but when you invest into your body, skin, and hair… perfect your craft, achieve your goals, and do what you love; you will reach your full potential. Once you feel like you are the best version of yourself possible, your boo will come along. Until then, enjoy YOUR life!

With love,

Brittany Kayla

 

When Life Spins Out of Control

My Easter definitely didn’t go as planned, as I had gotten into my very first car accident. I was actually on my way to church, driving on the highway, when my rear tire popped and car spun out of control into the side of the highway ramp. When the tire first popped, I thought I’d be able to safely brake and pull

over onto the side of the highway. But once my car started spinning, I realized I had zero control over the situation. I didn’t know what to do. There was nothing I really could do. I could have tried to maneuver the wheel in different directions to avoid hitting another car, but that might have made the situation worse. I could have asked my passenger what to do, but they wouldn’t have had the answer. The only thing I knew I could do, was call on God. As the car spun, I held onto the wheel tight screaming, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!”

My car ended up landing safely on the side of the highway where no cars could interfere. Both my passenger and I left without a scratch. You see, when all of your faith lies in God, He will become the first one you call to for help in the midst of your life spinning out of control. I realized that some situations are just too big for me to handle on my own, and relying on friends can be problematic. But if your life is spinning out of control, and you give your issues to GOD, He will ensure that you end up landing in a safe and comfortable place.

A lot of us say that our faith lies in God, but He’s the last one we call on in the midst of our storms. Why is it that when we get bad news or are going through a tough time, we run to the phone and call on people who have zero power over the situation? Why is God, who has all control, not the first one we run to?

Some of us even try to handle our storms on our own. A few hours after my accident, I heard the news about Steve Stephens, a man who senselessly murdered innocent Robert Godwin Sr. on Facebook live. Stephens claimed Godwin was his 14th victim, and he had been killing innocent people all day simply because his life reached its breaking point.  As I watched this man’s video explaining why he did what he did, all I could see was a cry for help. I don’t know what Stephens was going through, but I can’t help but to think, “if only he gave his problems to God.”

Even when you’re at your breaking point, and you feel like no one is there, call on God. Even when you feel like He’s not listening, still call on God. Even if He doesn’t respond right away or as fast as you prefer, call on God. Even if He doesn’t handle the situation the way you want it to be handled, still call on God! When your faith lies in God, you can have peace, even in the midst of your storm and life spinning out of control, that He will work it out the RIGHT way.

Stop trying to take control of the wheel and maneuvering it in different directions. Stop calling on your passengers for answers. Hold on tight, and call on the one who has all control. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Take control of our lives!”

xo, Brittany Kayla

3 keys you’ll need to maintain a successful relationship

1. Communication

As much as you think your partner knows about you, they cannot and will not read your mind! They are going to do things that get under your skin from time to time… that’s inevitable. But it’s important to let them know exactly what it is that’s bothering you, when it first starts to bothers you, so they can never say you didn’t tell them. However, make sure you aren’t over exaggerating. No one wants to be with someone that complains about the littlest things every day. Your partner will eventually feel like nothing they do will ever be good enough for you.

As it’s crucial to share your issues, make sure you are also communicating when they are doing something right, so they can continue to effortlessly put a smile on your face.

2. Make the necessary changes

It can be over something big or small, but if your partner is communicating an issue with you about something you are doing, then you need to make the necessary changes regarding that behavior. If you don’t do this, then you will find yourself having the same exact argument over and over again.

Often times, the problem here is that you can’t seem to understand why your actions are hurting your partner. Try visualizing the situation from their point of view. How would you feel if they did to you what you did to them? Even then, you still might not find fault in your behavior. But if you really love them, you would at least take their feelings into consideration and come up with some sort of compromise between the two of you that will make you both comfortable and happy.

3. Honesty

The final key to a successful relationship is honesty, especially when it comes to important matters. If you aren’t happy anymore, be honest and communicate exactly why that is. Don’t wait until it’s too late or till after you’ve hurt them to start being honest about why you did what you did. Don’t sugarcoat a situation that has the potential to make or break your relationship.

Most relationships fail because of the amount of petty issues that pile up without getting resolved. A successful relationship requires effort and compromise from both parties. Take these three essential keys into consideration, and share them with your partner to ensure your relationship remains strong and healthy!

xo, Brittany Kayla

“I’ll be happy once I get there … right?”

For a long time I’ve wanted to lose weight. I had a specific number in my head, and I knew that if I could just get down to that, I would finally be happy and content with my body and myself again. After working out and eating clean, I can confidently say that I’ve reached my original goal weight.

However, I quickly realized that losing 33 pounds was not enough. I was still unhappy. I would look in the mirror daily, picking out every flaw that I could find within myself and I quickly created a new and improved goal weight.

Today, I looked in the mirror and thought about the Brittany that was once 30 pounds heavier. I thought, that Brittany would be so proud of who is standing in front of the mirror today. That Brittany wasn’t even sure if I would make it this far or not. But here I am, and being the ungrateful person that I could sometimes be, I am still not happy.

I decided to pick out the beauty in my body. I started to view myself through the eyes of the Brittany that was 30 pounds heavier, and I actually began to like my body.

I realized that a lot of us do this. A lot of us set these big goals for ourselves, and say, “When I get there, I will finally be happy.” But we realize that when we get to that point, it’s still not enough. We are constantly trying to advance our progress. Now, there is nothing wrong with striving to do better in life. However, when our happiness depends on the amount of success we’ve achieved, we will never be fully satisfied, because we’ll always want more.

I am the biggest advocator of setting goals to become the best version of yourself possible. Your goal might relate to weight, or a business venture, or you might even strive to become a celebrity of some sort. However, there are even celebrities who have everything you could imagine, that still feel empty on the inside. The success was not enough.

You’ve got to learn to appreciate the now. You’ve got to appreciate today. Look at the things you’ve accomplished in life and appreciate how far you’ve come. Embrace the person you are today regardless of whether you’ve achieved your goals or not. Life is too short to be waiting on success to bring you happiness. You could die tomorrow, and will never be able to say that you were fully satisfied with life because you were too busy waiting on the day you achieve that goal. You were too busy working and too busy beating yourself up, that you never really appreciated earth’s beauty, never really appreciated the people around you, never really appreciated your body, or you just never really appreciated your life. You can die tomorrow unfulfilled because you were waiting on success to bring you happiness.

Learn to appreciate the life you have today. Keep setting goals for yourself, but don’t allow your inability to achieve them right away, to affect who you are or how you feel. Take a step back, look at your life… and enjoy it. Because you only get one.

xo, Brittany Kayla

With Success, Comes The Haters

I’ve learned that the more successful you get, the more of a threat you can be to those around you. Now, I’m not talking about everyone. The majority of the people around you will probably want you to prosper and succeed. However, those that can’t grasp the fact that theirs is coming too, if they just waited, are going to be the ones to exude hate.

We call them, haters. The people who are okay with you exceeding, only if it’s not above their amount of achieved success. Don’t take offense to this, rather take it as a compliment.

You might even be in a situation where you can’t seem to understand why you are the person they chose to hate on. Why are they picking on the little guy? But this is because they see something in you that you might not see in yourself yet. They can see that potential inside of you and they’ll do what it takes to make sure you don’t fulfill it in peace.

Ignore the haters and don’t look back. You have too many dreams to fulfill to be worried about what others have to say about you. You have too many things to accomplish in one day. If they are not helping you get to where you want to be in life, then their opinion does not matter. You’ve worked hard to get to this point. Don’t react in  a way you will regret over someone else’s hate.

Send them love instead. Avoid talking down on them and pray for them. The Bible says to pray for our enemies. Pray that their hearts will soften. Too many of us seek back revenge and hate, but what good will that ever do? Why would God reward someone with a heart like that?

Keep going and don’t look back. Instead of worrying about the person next to you, just keep grinding.

Life is not a competition or a race to see who gets the better life. If we all started uplifting, encouraging, and constantly inspiring one another, we could all do great things, together.

Keep working, keep inspiring and spread love.

xo, Brittany Kayla

Before You Commit, Keep This In Mind…

In this generation, finding a faithful man is almost like finding a citizen that returns a missing wallet instead of stealing it. They just aren’t expected anymore. Rather than loyalty being the ordinary, women are now getting into relationships with the expectation of getting hurt. And it seems like the faithful men want a cookie for doing what they are supposed to be doing.

Through personal experience, I’ve realized you have to go into a relationship with your guard up. A lot of men will be purely infatuated with you. They will love the idea of you. They will love the way you look. They will fall in lust. They will want to hurry up and take you off the market before any other man could get to you. He will probably hit you with the lines, “Your ex is stupid, and if I am lucky enough to have you, I would never mess it up.” You’ll give him the time of day, and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep you there. He might even prematurely confess his love for you. Talk about a life with you. A family with you. Vacations with you.

But eventually, that fascination, lust, or “love” will become expired. He might have thought he really loved you. But what he didn’t realize was that his love was infatuation. The inevitable temporary, puppy love honeymoon phase.

However, when you come across the right one, it will never expire. Fifty years can pass and he will still look at you the same as the day he met you.

Patience is the key.

It can be so easy to commit yourself to the person who seems like a “dream come true” shortly after a break up. Don’t do it. This is infatuation. Give it time before you commit to someone new.

And when you do find the one you really want, give it some more time. Keep your guard up for a few months before committing.  If he really wants you, he will do everything in his power to keep you. Get past the honeymoon stage, and see if the love is still fresh. See if he still gives you that feeling. Or if it was just infatuation.

Lastly, do not do “wifey” things for a man that is not yours. You’re giving it up, feeding him, doing what he asks, when he asks. Why commit when he can have his cake and eat it too?

Mr. Right is out there, you just have to be patient. Even when you think you’ve found him, wait it out! Allow him time to reveal each side of him. The reason why it’s so hard for girls to leave toxic relationships, is because they’ve ignored all of the red flags in the beginning… commit, and become attached. Take your time.

Love,

Brittany Kayla

Why I am never worried about my future

I am never worried about the future. I have so many plans and aspirations for my life. And when I really think about it, it’s so scary. It’s scary to think, what if it doesn’t go my way? What if I end up with a mediocre job, a lifeless marriage, a few kids and a dog? While all of that is fine, it’s not what I envision for my future. I want more out of life.

Being Christian, I know that everything might not go my way. God’s plan might be way different than what I want. I also know that whatever His plan is for my life, will always be greater than what I had envisioned for myself. With that being said, I am never worried about my future.

At the same time, I’ve realized that I can’t make my own decisions and then expect for it to align with what God wants. You have to pray before making big decisions in life. Pray that God will guide you in the right direction. Sometimes we don’t know what to do, and no amount of advice from any other person in this world will make you feel more secure than the direction of God.

For example, I’ve tried to make my own decisions when it came to relationships. I would say, “This is the one. I want him to be the one I marry one day.” With no regards to if this is who God had designed me to be with. What if he has someone so much better for me?

I remember I was in a relationship and I told God, “Okay. I need you to tell me if this is the one. Remove him from my life if he will ever hurt me in the future. I don’t want to waste another day on someone I am not meant to be with. Please, give me a sign.” A couple days after that prayer I found out some things that showed me, he is not the one for me.

And then I thought, had I just prayed about it before… Prayed about the decision of being in a relationship with this man, I would not have gotten hurt.

If you allow God to lead your life, you will have nothing to worry about. Of course you will go through trials and tribulations, but always remain faithful to God, and He will bless your life. I promise. Give Him control.

xo, Brittany Kayla

“Every time I date someone new, I end up hurt…”

fightingcouple

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me about a conversation she had with her mom. Her mother said, “Don’t you wish food could be opposites? Like healthy food was bad for you and junk food was good for you?” And my friend’s response was, “No, because if the roles were reversed, we would probably crave the bad food anyway just because we’re not supposed to have it.” And then I thought about it. Maybe she was right. Maybe, we naturally want what we should not have.

Women that constantly get hurt by every man they date, might be able to correlate their choice of men to junk food. The stuff that looks oh so good and gives you that warm sense of satisfaction, but ends up being detrimental to your health in the long run. Some of us… need to go on a diet.

When one goes on a diet, they are usually doing so to become the best version of themselves possible. They’ll start eating more veggies, which might not taste or look the best, but at the end of the day will be the most beneficial to them. Of course, the beginning will always be hard. You might see that piece of chocolate, and will be tempted to give up. However, those that really want to look and feel their best, will stick through it.

Now let’s correlate this to a relationship. We might not want to date out of our preference range. But imagine if you changed your psychology for one day. Picture a man that is not your “type.”  Imagine if you looked at him differently and gave him a chance. Imagine if this is the man that ends up assisting in making you the best version of yourself possible while also making you the happiest girl on earth. Imagine if this guy is the one for you.

Sooner or later, you won’t even see it as a diet. Because, think about it. When most people on diets get used to their routine, it becomes a lifestyle rather than an inconvenient attempt at losing weight. Fast, fatty foods are no longer desirable.

Maybe you’ll have a different eye for him after a while. You’ll see the beauty in him. You’ll see a different person than what you saw before. And you won’t even crave the bad stuff anymore, because you’ll see more than that.

Maybe the problem is your inability to date outside of your preference. Good guys come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t overlook your blessing.

With love,

Brittany Kayla

Overcoming Insecurities

From a person that has struggled to love herself all her life, I know how cliché and honestly, unhelpful it is to hear an always smiling, self-proclaimed life motivator yelling through a screen “You are beautiful! Love yourself!” You’ll have a big smile on your face with this rush of confidence and a new and improved, “you can’t tell me nothing” attitude. Resulting in a person who actually feels on top of the world for about one hour until it’s time to step out into the real world.

I know what it feels like to go out, obsessing about what others might be thinking about you. I know what it feels like to get compliments daily, while looking in the mirror at the end of the night and not believing a thing they’ve said. Sometimes I would wish that I could see what others saw in me because I couldn’t imagine seeing anything other than what I saw in myself.

I was always afraid to admit that I had these insecurities. I was scared that I would look weak and pathetic, or like I would be crying for attention and fishing for compliments.

What I ultimately wanted was self-confidence and the ability to not care about what anyone else thought of me or my decisions. So I did my research. And what I found was a YouTube video of a woman saying all she did was looked in the mirror every single day and said, “I love myself.”

So I did it. Every day I would look myself in the eyes saying that I was beautiful. That I was the sh*t! And even if I didn’t believe it just yet, I walked out the room with my head held high thinking, “I am beautiful.”

Eventually I started viewing myself in a different light. I no longer saw myself through the lens of society. The Kardashian, makeup, implant society.

I started seeing myself through a pure lens. The natural Lisa Bonet lens. That, “this is me with no makeup, flaws and all” type of lens.

And I believed it. I still do. It’s not a temporary, false self-confidence. I am beautiful, and you are too.

xo, Brittany Kayla