relationships

You Deserve More.

~ psbrittanykayla ~ Leave a comment

You’re dating different people, yet receiving the same results. Heartbreak. You can’t figure out why. You’ve been faithful, caring, loving, you have a good head on your shoulders, and you’re attractive. So you wonder… “Why on earth do I keep getting played?”

It’s time for a bit of self-reflection.

Although you can’t help what your partner or potential boo does, if you’re chronically getting played by different individuals, it is partly your fault. It’s your fault because you are allowing people that don’t deserve to be so close to you to hurt you in the first place. It is no one’s responsibility to protect your heart but your own. Stop ignoring the red flags. Stop falling for their “potential.” Stop taking the next person in line just because they’re the only ones interested in the moment. It’s okay to be alone until the right one comes along.

If you keep going through the same cycle with different people, you are probably dating the same person in different bodies.

Sure, they might have a few differences. Different skin tone, different hair, a different voice… but I guarantee, you could find at least one key similarity between the people you are dating.

A friend of mine was explaining to me the type of men she usually settles for. They are the same type. They come from the same background. They treat her exactly the same. She said, “Brittany, I know I could do better but there’s just something about these guys. They make me feel worthy. Like they know they can’t do better than me, so I always feel like a prize in their eyes.”

And yet they still manage to hurt her.

The similarity in the type of men she dates is the way they make her feel. Deep down, she knows she could do better, but these are the guys that make her feel loved when she doesn’t feel love within herself.

Your similarity within the people you date might have nothing to do with feelings. Perhaps it’s about the way they look. Maybe it’s their accomplishments. Their status. Their swag. Their ability to smooth talk their way out of anything. But I’m willing to bet, if you put all of the people that broke your heart in one room, you could find a similarity or two.

It’s okay to have a type. But if this type is constantly breaking you down then it’s time to be more selective.

So many people shouldn’t have the opportunity to break your heart. My pastor says, it’s easier to protect your heart than to repair it when it’s broken.

So stop rushing the process and love yourself first. Once you do, you won’t want to settle for mediocre anymore. When you have love for yourself you’ll be more careful about who you let in because you don’t need just anybody coming into your life ruining your good vibes and positivity! You’ll date the person that sees the worth you see within yourself.

With love,

Brittany Kayla

Reevaluating Your Inner Circle

~ psbrittanykayla ~ Leave a comment

 In an attempt to learn Spanish, I began watching a Spanish soap opera, Lady La Vendedora de Rosas, based on a true story. In the show, the main character, Lady, and her family grew up in the slums of Columbia. Her single mother had a drinking problem and needed Lady, only a little girl at the time, to help the family out financially by selling roses on the dangerous street. Child services ended up taking Lady from her home and put her in an orphanage with nuns. There, she was raised and didn’t go back home until she was a teenager. When she came back, she kept the same values she learned from the nuns in her heart and was able to take better care of her family then her mother ever could.

Meanwhile, her two childhood best friends, Alex and Yurani stayed home and connected with a bad influence. Alex ended up becoming a gangster and Yurani became a drug addict. I mentioned to my sister that it was funny how Lady ended up becoming so responsible and successful while everyone else in the story was doing terrible. She reminded me that Lady was raised around the nuns and like-minded girls, in a safe environment. Alex and Yurani were surrounded by people that didn’t care enough to have their best interest at heart.

We are still in the beginning of the New Year and I know that everyone has their heart set on changing for the better. But you will only be as good as the company you keep. I’ve fooled myself many times in the past by saying, “we are friends but we are nothing alike and she can’t influence me because I am my own person.” That is a lie. That is not possible. If you are consistently hanging out with someone, their values and their mindset will eventually start to rub off on your own, without you even realizing it.

I’m not saying to abandon your “day ones,” but if your friends are lazy, unmotivated, or are doing things that compromise your values, then it’s your responsibility to distance yourself. Your company is a reflection of you. And believe me when I say that you are a product of who you surround yourself with.

Make sure though, that the friends you choose are actually friends. The best way to tell is by analyzing how they support your good decisions, and seeing if they love you enough to correct your bad ones, in ways that align with your core values.

The right friends to keep close in the New Year are going to be the ones that are positive and motivated to becoming the best version of themselves possible, while also encouraging your growth. The right friends will clap loudly when you win. They should be your biggest fans. They will always be there when you need them the most. And they will give you the advice you need to hear rather than what you want to hear.

Who you surround yourself with is a main factor that will ultimately contribute to your personal growth. So choose your friends wisely.

xo, Brittany Kayla

ASK BRITTANY: After checking his phone, I don’t know if I could trust him

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Dear Brittany: I need advice desperately! I am a single mom and I started talking to this guy in November. He is sweet, fun to be around, always makes me happy, and accepts my child (which most guys wouldn’t). When we first started talking I had told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious as I had just gotten out of something serious and was hurt. He agreed. I messed up and saw him enter his phone password. (I know I know, I messed up there). So one night I looked through his phone and he was talking to 2 girls. He never hung out with them, just harmless flirting. We spoke about it and he said he was testing the waters because he didn’t think I wanted a relationship. I figured since we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week, we were getting more serious. I told him that I do want a relationship. He agreed to immediately stop talking to the girls but a week later I check his phone again and there’s another girl. He said she was a girl he always liked but never gave him the time of day and he wants to be with me but he feels like he is only used for pleasure. We went back and forth for over 24 hours and at first, I was done but something told me to give him another chance. He suggested he’d change his number and since then (2 weeks) things have been great. I still have my guard up and I’m scared to get hurt again. What should I do?

Okay, so let’s dissect everything you’ve said.

“He accepts my child which most guys wouldn’t.”

Don’t settle! I know that finding a man that accepts your children is difficult, especially if they don’t have any of their own. But the right man for you and your child is going to be the one that you can trust unconditionally. If a man can’t respect you, then he definitely won’t respect your child.

“I had told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious.”

Okay so to make things fair, you did tell him you weren’t looking for a relationship. You can’t really get mad if he flirts with a couple of other girls here and there at this point. Don’t allow your past relationships to dictate how you will treat and trust the next man.

“I looked through his phone.”

Unfortunately most men need you to spell it out for them. Although you assumed that your “situationship” was starting to get serious, you did originally tell him that you weren’t looking for a relationship. That being said, you shouldn’t have felt comfortable enough to look through his phone until you’ve had the “what are we?” conversation for the second time.

“I told him I do want a relationship.”

Boom, here you made the right step. Communication is one key to a successful relationship. You’ve voiced that you do want a relationship and he agreed. You voiced that him texting other girls was a problem and he understood. There should be no more issues regarding that matter from this point on.

“A week later there’s another girl.”

Annnnnd here’s an issue. There is no reason for him to be texting a girl that he wanted (or wants because otherwise why would he still be texting her)? His excuse that you are using him for pleasure is LAME. He should come up with a new one! He is still keeping his options open because he is not ready to commit.

You clearly don’t trust him and I don’t think a person should have to change their number in order for that to happen. If he doesn’t have enough self-control to not entertain other women, then he is not worth your time. Also, it might seem like he has changed, but he might have just gotten good at hiding.

Notice how you’ve been faithfully asserting all of your attention onto him, without him having to remind you not to entertain other men. Why? Because you like him! When you really like or love someone, you no longer feel the need to get attention from other people. The person you are dating becomes enough for you. And guess what? You are enough for someone too. Don’t allow social media to distort your mind into thinking that you have to settle for a man that “harmlessly flirts” with other girls because it’s the “guy thing” to do.

If you decide to stay, I would still absolutely keep my guard up. Especially when you have a child to think about. Checking his phone all the time is definitely a sign of mistrust. And a healthy relationship requires trust. I know personally this could be hard but try not looking through it unless he’s giving you a reason to believe he is hiding something. In other words, if he’s acting different, distant, or secretive. Don’t entirely let him back in until he’s proven himself worthy. But monitoring his every move is not the answer.

Stay alert and don’t ignore the red flags. You’ve already received red flag number 1.

Sincerely,

Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

ASK BRITTANY: I’m engaged but I still think about my ex…

~ psbrittanykayla ~ Leave a comment

Dear Brittany: I’m engaged to an amazing man that I love so much but I still think of my ex here and there and I just don’t know what to do… My fiancé is amazing to me but I feel like he doesn’t deserve the fact that I’m thinking of someone else when we aren’t talking.

This is a tricky situation! It’s going to take a lot of self-reflection on your part to figure out what to do and why you feel this way. But I personally don’t think I would go through with the marriage until I’ve figured everything out first.

If you are still thinking about your ex, this leads me to believe that you were never really over him in the first place; even before you got engaged. Maybe you agreed to the engagement because you felt pressured to say yes because your man is such a good guy??

You need to remember that being a good faithful man does not mean he is the one for you. I know that a good man is hard to find in a day and age like ours; but I’ve realized that we easily settle for people that we don’t really want just because they are giving us the love we’ve always craved.

Is there something about him that is not satisfying your needs? What are the things that your ex did for you that your fiancé can’t? Communicate this with him if so. Remember, communication is key to a successful relationship.

Why did you and your ex break up in the first place? If he wanted to get back together and you weren’t engaged, would you take the offer? If so, then your fiancé is probably not fulfilling enough for you and I would let him know.

These are all questions you need to ask yourself. But I know that I know that I know, you should not be thinking of your ex when you are about to commit yourself to someone else for the rest of your life.

Now let’s say you want to be with your fiancé for the rest of your life, without a doubt, but you still think about your ex because you never got closure. Then I would say to shoot your ex a text and receive the closure that you need.

You might also just have cold feet. It’s scary thinking about committing yourself to one person for the rest of your life! Perhaps your hesitation stems from fear of the unknown. Talk to other married women to see if they had cold feet before their wedding!

If I were personally in this situation, I would pray and ask God for guidance. Ask God if it is His will for you and your fiancé to be together. The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” So when you are seeking God with all of your heart and you are praying to Him, you will get the answers you are searching for.

The last thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage that is not for you. What’s most important in this situation is that you are following your intuition and your heart.

You know what you want out of life so live it the way you want. Don’t live the life others are expecting you to live. Don’t stay in a relationship you are not completely happy in. You are in control of your life and your happiness.  So take complete control.

xo, Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

Your boo is cool and all… but do they VALUE you?

~ psbrittanykayla ~ Leave a comment

When someone values you, they WILL act right! And you won’t have to beg, plead or bother. Because no one wants to lose a thing that they truly value.

I can’t imagine life without my family. I talk to them every day, I see them every day, I’ve known them all my life, and they’ve contributed to molding me into the person I am today. I value them. And because I value them, I wouldn’t intentionally hurt them and I think twice about making decisions that would affect them. However, some of our family members haven’t been in our lives forever. Perhaps your mother raised you and you don’t speak to your father. Your dad would probably be of lesser value to you than the rest of your family members. Just because someone has a title that should be valued, doesn’t necessarily mean they are.

The leading factor to valuing someone is time. Someone you met two weeks ago might tell you, “I know we just met a short while ago but I value you SO much and I can’t imagine my life without you.” But don’t believe everything you hear. They were living without you a couple weeks ago and they were breathing just fine! Don’t be shocked when your boyfriend of three weeks, who you already did everything for because he said he loved you, ends up hurting you. It really does take time to truly value someone.

Now be mindful of what they value you for. Do they value you for you, or for what you could do for them? What are you giving them? Because you might have mistaken being used for being valued. Your new boo might treat you amazingly if you’re giving them everything they want or need at the moment. Gifts, money, sex, and even an “image” might keep someone around for the time being, but trust me, that won’t last forever! Make sure that whoever you are dating values you for who you are.

Time will tell everything. Give it time before committing to someone new. Give it time before showering them with gifts and giving them the world. Give it time before believing every word they say. Patience is a virtue. So why rush something that is meant to last forever?

With love,

Brittany Kayla

ASK BRITTANY: he said he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but I’m his girl?

~ psbrittanykayla ~ 1 Comment

Dear Brittany: I’ve been talking to this guy for a little while who I’ve known for years. This week he just told me that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but that I’m his girl? Whatever that means. I just can’t seem to shake him. I can tell myself I don’t need him but then I find myself calling him and texting him and feeling stupid. I’m really not sure what to do about him.

It sounds to me like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Ask yourself this question… What exactly qualifies you to be “his girl?” Are you seeing him on demand, feeding him, having sex with him, or doing relationship activities with him? What are you doing that gives him the right to declare “you are my girl?” Whatever it is you are doing, it’s making him feel entitled to believe that you belong to him.

Now my next question is, why are you doing these things when you are not his girlfriend? He probably figures, well what’s the point of making you my girlfriend when we’re already doing relationship things outside of a relationship? He gets ALL the benefits of having you, but doesn’t have to remain faithful to you, doesn’t have to respect your wishes, and doesn’t have to claim you to the world. Sounds like a win, win on his end! He is SINGLE to the world, but gets to have you behind closed doors. Don’t be that girl!

Now if this guy is someone you really really like, then my advice would be to tell him straight up, “if you are single, then so am I.” Don’t wait around for someone to see your worth. You guys can hang out every so often, but as friends. Don’t be so easily accessible to him. Right now he thinks he has you on LOCK so prove him wrong. Trust me, once he sees that you’re not picking up his every phone call and that he no longer gets the relationship benefits that he was receiving before, he’ll start getting nervous that he’s lost “his girl.”

I think you should always let the man pursue the relationship. Let him chase you. And again, if he can’t see that you are worth a relationship, then drop him! There is no point in wasting your precious time.  What if you’re ignoring, or preventing yourself from meeting your soulmate because you’re too busy trying to catch this man’s attention?

I believe that God made someone specifically for each and every one of us. So if this guy isn’t the one, then there is someone else on this earth that is. Until you find your soulmate, work on yourself. Take care of your mind, body, and tackle your goals. I promise, you won’t die as a single old lady with 30 cats. Date the man who sees your worth without you having to remind him.

Sincerely,

Brittany Kayla

If you would like to ask an anonymous question for you or a friend, click here and it will be posted on Ask Brittany!

3 keys you’ll need to maintain a successful relationship

~ psbrittanykayla ~ Leave a comment

1. Communication

As much as you think your partner knows about you, they cannot and will not read your mind! They are going to do things that get under your skin from time to time… that’s inevitable. But it’s important to let them know exactly what it is that’s bothering you, when it first starts to bothers you, so they can never say you didn’t tell them. However, make sure you aren’t over exaggerating. No one wants to be with someone that complains about the littlest things every day. Your partner will eventually feel like nothing they do will ever be good enough for you.

As it’s crucial to share your issues, make sure you are also communicating when they are doing something right, so they can continue to effortlessly put a smile on your face.

2. Make the necessary changes

It can be over something big or small, but if your partner is communicating an issue with you about something you are doing, then you need to make the necessary changes regarding that behavior. If you don’t do this, then you will find yourself having the same exact argument over and over again.

Often times, the problem here is that you can’t seem to understand why your actions are hurting your partner. Try visualizing the situation from their point of view. How would you feel if they did to you what you did to them? Even then, you still might not find fault in your behavior. But if you really love them, you would at least take their feelings into consideration and come up with some sort of compromise between the two of you that will make you both comfortable and happy.

3. Honesty

The final key to a successful relationship is honesty, especially when it comes to important matters. If you aren’t happy anymore, be honest and communicate exactly why that is. Don’t wait until it’s too late or till after you’ve hurt them to start being honest about why you did what you did. Don’t sugarcoat a situation that has the potential to make or break your relationship.

Most relationships fail because of the amount of petty issues that pile up without getting resolved. A successful relationship requires effort and compromise from both parties. Take these three essential keys into consideration, and share them with your partner to ensure your relationship remains strong and healthy!

xo, Brittany Kayla

Before You Commit, Keep This In Mind…

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In this generation, finding a faithful man is almost like finding a citizen that returns a missing wallet instead of stealing it. They just aren’t expected anymore. Rather than loyalty being the ordinary, women are now getting into relationships with the expectation of getting hurt. And it seems like the faithful men want a cookie for doing what they are supposed to be doing.

Through personal experience, I’ve realized you have to go into a relationship with your guard up. A lot of men will be purely infatuated with you. They will love the idea of you. They will love the way you look. They will fall in lust. They will want to hurry up and take you off the market before any other man could get to you. He will probably hit you with the lines, “Your ex is stupid, and if I am lucky enough to have you, I would never mess it up.” You’ll give him the time of day, and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep you there. He might even prematurely confess his love for you. Talk about a life with you. A family with you. Vacations with you.

But eventually, that fascination, lust, or “love” will become expired. He might have thought he really loved you. But what he didn’t realize was that his love was infatuation. The inevitable temporary, puppy love honeymoon phase.

However, when you come across the right one, it will never expire. Fifty years can pass and he will still look at you the same as the day he met you.

Patience is the key.

It can be so easy to commit yourself to the person who seems like a “dream come true” shortly after a break up. Don’t do it. This is infatuation. Give it time before you commit to someone new.

And when you do find the one you really want, give it some more time. Keep your guard up for a few months before committing.  If he really wants you, he will do everything in his power to keep you. Get past the honeymoon stage, and see if the love is still fresh. See if he still gives you that feeling. Or if it was just infatuation.

Lastly, do not do “wifey” things for a man that is not yours. You’re giving it up, feeding him, doing what he asks, when he asks. Why commit when he can have his cake and eat it too?

Mr. Right is out there, you just have to be patient. Even when you think you’ve found him, wait it out! Allow him time to reveal each side of him. The reason why it’s so hard for girls to leave toxic relationships, is because they’ve ignored all of the red flags in the beginning… commit, and become attached. Take your time.

Love,

Brittany Kayla

“Every time I date someone new, I end up hurt…”

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fightingcouple

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me about a conversation she had with her mom. Her mother said, “Don’t you wish food could be opposites? Like healthy food was bad for you and junk food was good for you?” And my friend’s response was, “No, because if the roles were reversed, we would probably crave the bad food anyway just because we’re not supposed to have it.” And then I thought about it. Maybe she was right. Maybe, we naturally want what we should not have.

Women that constantly get hurt by every man they date, might be able to correlate their choice of men to junk food. The stuff that looks oh so good and gives you that warm sense of satisfaction, but ends up being detrimental to your health in the long run. Some of us… need to go on a diet.

When one goes on a diet, they are usually doing so to become the best version of themselves possible. They’ll start eating more veggies, which might not taste or look the best, but at the end of the day will be the most beneficial to them. Of course, the beginning will always be hard. You might see that piece of chocolate, and will be tempted to give up. However, those that really want to look and feel their best, will stick through it.

Now let’s correlate this to a relationship. We might not want to date out of our preference range. But imagine if you changed your psychology for one day. Picture a man that is not your “type.”  Imagine if you looked at him differently and gave him a chance. Imagine if this is the man that ends up assisting in making you the best version of yourself possible while also making you the happiest girl on earth. Imagine if this guy is the one for you.

Sooner or later, you won’t even see it as a diet. Because, think about it. When most people on diets get used to their routine, it becomes a lifestyle rather than an inconvenient attempt at losing weight. Fast, fatty foods are no longer desirable.

Maybe you’ll have a different eye for him after a while. You’ll see the beauty in him. You’ll see a different person than what you saw before. And you won’t even crave the bad stuff anymore, because you’ll see more than that.

Maybe the problem is your inability to date outside of your preference. Good guys come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t overlook your blessing.

With love,

Brittany Kayla